Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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