i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's never too late to be topless.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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