Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
