Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
