help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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