Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
