some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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