Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
