your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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