we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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