he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
