At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Your dad touched me again.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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