just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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