i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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