you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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