I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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