if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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