i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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