Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
