sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
