What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
