what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We have started to decorate penises.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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