how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
