I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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