3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Send help, water and tortillas.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
