I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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