I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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