Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
