I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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