It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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