i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
