i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
