roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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