he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
