I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
