i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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