I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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