I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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