if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just made my gag reflex go away.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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