maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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