im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
