as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
