my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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