Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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