If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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