Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
