There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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