Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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