Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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