How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
