Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
