I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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