Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
