I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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