Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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