what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
