I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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