I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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