Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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