life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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