Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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