maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
